9/18/2005

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Any of my friends know that my mother and her now husband “the Deloach” can generate some pretty hell-arious stories, this one I’m about to document is by far my new favorite.

I call it… The devil, the dinosaurs, and a swimming pool


There is always this strange feeling in the air when I go see my mom. It’s the same foreboding tension you felt as a kid knowing you where going to get a shot. It’s like that with out the smile sticker at the end.

The Pool

My mom makes less than me. The Deloach does as well.

This is not important to the story until I educate you dear reader that my mother and The Deloach are putting a pool on their land that is almost worth more then their trailer.

Yes, my mother, ever enterprising, has figured out some way to dig a physical hole of debt and fill it with water and call it a swimming pool.

This trip to my mother’s home was for a simple purpose, to see this 32,000 dollar monstrosity in all its glory.

The Saturn stops outside the gates of Deloach, a chain link fence that surrounds their property and the double wide. The Deloach is on a riding lawn mower that is spewing more rock than grass. Dogs run wild barking at the mower as The Deloach waves his fist at them in primal contempt.

This is when I know what type of night Katrina and I are in for.

My mom is out buying things, her usual state, so The Deloach takes time to show up “the pool”

“The pool” is in a portion of the backyard I affectionately call the dog house. I call this portion of my mom’s backyard the dog house because this is where the dog house lives. The dog house is one of The Deloach’s better ideas in which he crafted a house where his dog with a ripped penis hole lives.

What sets this dog house apart from its mere counterparts is that this dog house is an actual child’s play house A house where an average man of average height can walk upright like God intended.

Of course the house is equipped with a flower box, for flowers silly, that have yet to be planted. The entire thing is a hideous orange yellow concoction that even a blind person could see.

I point this location out as a particularly good place for a 31,000 pool to The Deloach and Katrina who both seem to be distracted by The Deloach’s ripped pee hole dog who is trying to fuck my dog in the ass.

I don’t want to distract the reader from the true point of this story but let me tell you about this Deloach dog. It’s huge, like an ox, and had a ripped penis hole. I know I’ve already classically illustrated this through out my story, but come on a ripped dick hole, that’s intense. Just to give you a better idea of how awesome and uncool this is let me explain what happens when this dog gets a boner…his penis comes out the side of his shaft…yeah his pee hole is just there while an enormous ox boner is coming out the side. Is that fucking gross or what? Worse off this dog seems to be getting boners all the time so it’s a constant hide and seek of a penis slipping out a mysterious side hole. Just plain gross!


So the pool is a mess in its current state. I mean there is a hole and there is fun in the sun plastic siding laid in the ground but the rest of the place looks like shit. Dirt mounds full of cans and clothes and other assorted garbage litter the landscape.

I take notice and try asking the Deloach.

“Man, you should see the shit they took out of the ground.”

“Where did it come from?” I ask.

“It was there.” The Deloach points. “In the ground. They pulled god damn televisions out. They pulled fucking tv’s out of our ground. It was buried”!

“Crazy.”

And it is. It’s crazy that under the ground there were televisions buried. Not only that but The Deloach went on to explain that a microwave was found and several other oddities.

“What are they going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. I guess we could pick through it. I would hate to waist all that good dirt.”

“Yeah.” Katrina says trying to be a part of the conversation. It’s awesome how awkward my white trash family makes Katrina. She never knows what to say. It’s kind of cute in that way that awkwardness can be cute.

So here is the pool, surrounded by garbage and a penis hole dog house. This is what I’ve come to Copperas Cove to see.

Impressed?

The Devil

Green sauce is flowing at the old Mexican chain restaurant that is nestled in a cozy nook between Walmart and Wendy’s.

My mom eats like a kid. The table, her shirt, and my eating area are covered in the “green sauce” a particularly delicious blend of avocado and sauce.

These moments when my mom is slurping up green sauce is when she decides that it would be the perfect time talk about the devil.

Or better yet God if you’re into all that jazz.

My mom has been every religion under the sun including but not limited to my three favorite, Wiccan, Catholic, and Drug Addict.

“Jason do you believe in God yet?”

“No.” I say calmly.

This are my favorite fights by the way. Anything dealing with religion always turns out hilariously great.

“Why not!”

“Why do you?”

My mom sits puzzled.

“Don’t you want to go to heaven?”

“I don’t believe in heaven.”

“So what about when you die? You won’t see me.”

“That’s right mom because I’ll be decomposing.”

This process ensues.


Dinosaurs

The conversation about the devil and god continues until I ask a pertinent question to The Deloach who tells me that Adam and Eve created everything not monkeys, though The Deloach is more monkey than Adam.

“What about Dinosaurs mom?”

The table fell silent. The green sauce remains uneaten. My mom’s food is still disgusting as The Deloach formulates an answer.

“Well some people, I’ve heard, say that God put bones in the ground to challenge peoples faith in God.” Says the Deloach quite proudly.

The silence falls over the table again as my mom leans forward and makes big eyes at Katrina and me. Her big eyes say it all, “DID YA EVER THINK OF THAT!”

I was dumbfounded. How could the pussy I dropped from be that naive about the world? How could I even be functioning?

After a moment I just started laughing.

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

I knew people believed this but surely I thought my mom was better than some right wing retarded bible thumper. But then again my mom wouldn’t believe me when I told her popcorn came from actual corn.

The conversation continued until we began talking about how Christians believed that you should throw out the Old Testament. This part isn’t funny but brings up some interesting points.

First Christians, at least most, believe the Old Testament to be garbage or at least not to be as valuable as the New Testament. But this in itself is a contradiction, because the three staple facts of Christianity are in the Old Testament.

The Ten Commandments
The Part about being gay and it being a sin
Adam And Eve

Now I know some of you will say that its okay to use Genesis and that most of the stories are moral makers and not the actual word of God. I say bullshit! You can’t have your forgiving God and forget about the dick one….in the words of Montel Williams guest from around the world… “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

So get over yourself Christians. Did you ever think that maybe the person who wrote the creation story got it wrong? What if God used Apes to make us? What if God is damn dirty ape? what then Charlton Heston? What then?

I mean if we are supposed to realize that all the stories of monsters in the Old Testament are wrong why not everything else. Is it a far leap from talking snakes, fake dinosaur bones, and giant one eyed Cyclops’s destroying cities?

The answer my friend is no.

Science and religion can never co-exist because they are on two different access lines. It’s like latitude and longitude with these fuckers. And just like everyone who isn’t in the fourth grade they get confused between the two.

Later, much later, after sopapilla we are exiting Wal-Mart and my mom makes a comment about the garbage that was buried under the dirt.

I can’t help and whisper to Katrina.

“I wonder if God put it there to test our faith.”

On a side note Microsoft couldn’t understand the word Sopapilla but it did recognize Wal-Mart in the spell check. I guess all ends well that begets well.

2 Comments:

Blogger raw food diet dude said...

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1:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does me leaving you a comment really give you a big boner?

awesome.

cint.

6:28 PM  

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