9/22/2005

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Oi Oi Natalie Portman

So first our good pal Natalie shaves her head. I know, I know, it's for a movie. Everyone knows Portman is totally dedicated to the strippers, princesses, and depressed girls she plays on the silver screen. But now she's smoking too?

I don't know. She's looking more and more like a skin head everyday.

Lace up your boots Portman! We're going out
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Check out the top tattoos for prison men and women.

CROSS 1,164
ROSE 550
HEART 533
SKULL 468
EAGLE 440
DRAGON 301
REEPER 172
PANTHER 163
UNICORN 162
STAR 131
WIZARD 127
BUNNY 125
SPIDER 115
BULLET WOUND 107
GRIM REAPER 103

9/21/2005

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Déjà vu…

It’s nice to see in the midst of the chaos of weather disasters we’ve been having a story of normalcy. You know things are getting better when the news is placating our desire to sexual objective women and lift men up as heroes.

First, I’m an asshole. I enjoy making jokes at the mall about the hot gimp with the big tits chatting on a cell phone. I’m not some kind of P.C. bandit, with that being said I still believe that some things do cross the line.

Déjà vu opened up this week again and offered $1.00 lap dances to the heroes of hurricane Katrina.

When the news says heroes all I seem to be able to hear is the word jocks. Because it doesn’t sound like heroes hang out in strip bars for no one buck lap dances. It seems to me as if heroes are out saving poor black people who are still living in toxic waist.

And how fucked up does your life have to be as a stripper to go downtown New Orleans after one of the worst natural disasters and shake that shaved pussy right in someone’s face.

If this was ever a sign that we have some major revaluing of priorities needed this would be it.

I know that some of my feminist friends may blame the “heroes” and I can see why. The heroes are the ones going to the strip club instead of saving people who need saving. That’s pretty fucking low if you ask me. I also know some of my more conservative friends will say it was a choice of free will and place the blame on the back of the “strippers”. But I say it’s neither, I blame the bible. Yeah, that bitch ass book really has done a number on our society.

When we have teachings that are honestly against women being taught as “moral” law how can we expect to move forward as a society. And before I get any hate letters let me tell you that I know the bible is not at fault for creating the concept of patriarchal society, but it sure in the hell helps enforce it.

So when there is no more internet, starbucks, and strap on devices and aliens come to our “know-bots”, robots that know everything, and ask what happen to our thriving society the “know-bot” will answer monotonically, “men need some entertainment.”

That’s right “know-bot”, men need entertainment even if it costs us everything.


You can find the full article about this by click here.
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I wrote this along time ago. I found it on a sheet of paper in my office drawer. I thought I would post it so that everyone could see the nerd inside.


This body
The devil has his pitch fork, I’ve got my mouth, Bill Gates has a load of money, while you sleep like a baby.
It’s the differences between us baby, that inner link us.
It’s the differences between us baby, that inner link us.
We might all be snowflakes but have you noticed that we
All have different hair cuts that tend to look the same.
We might all be snowflakes with unique fingers and toes
But don’t you know that they tend to smell the same.
The conductor has a whistle, I’ve got a cat, Rivers Cuomo has dark rimmed glasses, while you write and erase all yourself away.
It’s the differences between us baby, that inner link us.
It’s the differences between us baby, that inner link us.
We might all be snowflakes but have you ever noticed
That everyone thinks their right.
We might all be snowflakes with mothers and fathers
Who have continued to let us down.
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So I don’t really care about bums. At least I didn’t think I did until the last few days. Recently, I’ve been stumbling upon bum-exploitation and bum interest sites on the internet.

Last night, or maybe it was Monday, on the Daily Show they showed a business owner who is using bums to sell his poker web site. Yes, he’s actually exploiting bums by giving them three bucks an hour and beer to hold signs.

I know we see this around Austin. I actually don’t know if they are bums or not but they are surely seedy…so what do you guys think? Should we exploit homeless men and women to turn a profit?

Would you go to OctoberHost.com if I started exploiting bums?

Me personally, I think it works against your business. I don’t want my company name associated with someone who people believe are less than human. (fuck the people)

Here the link for the company that has actually trade marked Bumvertising.

Also I’ve stumbled upon a blog from some hip indie kid who thought it would be funny to do a social experiment where he panhandles for a living. You can tell this kid is actually rich and that this is a social experiment because he posts on his laptop like crazy and often dresses in outrageous get ups to try and make more money.

It’s interesting but something tells me that we’ve gone too far with the internet. Why do I find a guy trying to make a living off panhandling so engaging?

Are we really so interested in what it’s like to be of a lower social status? I mean do you think the roman nobles wondered the streets pretending to be a commoner. I doubt it. The more successful are not supposed to experiment with what it’s like to be poor. The term is trickle down economics not piss up hill economics. If you’ve made it to a point where you don’t need to panhandle embrace it. Don’t quit your high paying job so you can be a social scientist.

But it’s still a funny read so here is the link

Next there’ll be a blog about what it’s like to be retarded from someone who’s not retarded. Those posts will probably be worth a laugh or two. One positive is that retard people don’t read the internet…I mean Steven Hawkins can…but most don’t.
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I distain the Otter. Yeah, I said it! I can’t stand that furry bellied beast. As a kid I must admit I was delighted at the Point Defiance zoo (what! what! Point Defiance zoo represent) to see Otters frolic and play. But that’s before I joined the work force and could see the Otters for what they real are, brazen assholes.


But these lazy ass some-what aquatic creatures are no good sods. All they do is lay around on their backs eating fish and sliding down miniature slides.

Did you know in Britain that these asses almost went extinct from not being killed but from starving to death because Minks escaped from a fur farm and where out classing the Otter. Yeah, the Otter in all his/her fat grace couldn’t cut it against the Mink. The Mink was a better hunter, a better habitat builder, and probably a better kisser than the Otter.
What was there left to do? Go into show business.
From everything I read on the internet the Otter hates man. I think it was Aristotle who once said "The otter will bite a man and it is said that whenever it bites it will never leave go until it hears a bone crack”. Does that sound like fun to you? No. No is the answer.
So why does the Otter do what it does? Why does it entertain the hearts of humans world wide…because the Otter is our loaf cousin that sleeps on the couch…it hates us but needs us because its too busy smoking pot and watching pornography to go out and find a job.
I say no more OTTER!
I have met my enemy and he kind of looks like a weasel hyphen cutesMcGee. Yeah I’m talking to you OTTER! So get on the internet already. I mean first learn to read and type. But then get on the internet OTTER! I dare you. I triple dare you. Because next time I’m at the zoo I’m walking past that water tank with the stank eye on you, bitch! And I might not even stick around for the fish feeding.

Your enemy,
Jason

9/20/2005

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"Backpack It" across the information super highway called life.

There is an outrages hyphened awesome tool I’ve been using called Backpack It. It’s an application aimed at making your life simpler by adding “check list” and file uploading to a “backpackit” page. It’s great for design because I can upload a shit ton of fonts and go hey client McClient what font do you like for your boring drab project. Is it Times New Roman or Arial Black? Everyone knows Arial Black is the right choice because that font is fucking primo but sometime you have to give the dumbass in the corporate office a choice. One packet of sugar in your coffee or a punch in the mid section…you know…choice.

Backpack It is also being utilized by the awesome Katrina who is centering her school around it. You can upload photos, assignment check list, links, articles, and take notes and have it organized on one page for anyone you want to access it. It’s great for projects as I’ve been finding out with OctoberHost.com. I’ve been keeping track of what I still need to get done for our live date of October 01st.

October 01st. Shit that’s like not even a hole Saved By The Bell marathon away. I better jump on it. Enough about Backpack It. Check it out for yourself at www.backpackit.com

Jason

P.S.

If you have a MAC you can download an awesome widget for backpackit. God I love my MAC almost as much as I love Mark-Paul Gosselaar

9/18/2005

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Any of my friends know that my mother and her now husband “the Deloach” can generate some pretty hell-arious stories, this one I’m about to document is by far my new favorite.

I call it… The devil, the dinosaurs, and a swimming pool


There is always this strange feeling in the air when I go see my mom. It’s the same foreboding tension you felt as a kid knowing you where going to get a shot. It’s like that with out the smile sticker at the end.

The Pool

My mom makes less than me. The Deloach does as well.

This is not important to the story until I educate you dear reader that my mother and The Deloach are putting a pool on their land that is almost worth more then their trailer.

Yes, my mother, ever enterprising, has figured out some way to dig a physical hole of debt and fill it with water and call it a swimming pool.

This trip to my mother’s home was for a simple purpose, to see this 32,000 dollar monstrosity in all its glory.

The Saturn stops outside the gates of Deloach, a chain link fence that surrounds their property and the double wide. The Deloach is on a riding lawn mower that is spewing more rock than grass. Dogs run wild barking at the mower as The Deloach waves his fist at them in primal contempt.

This is when I know what type of night Katrina and I are in for.

My mom is out buying things, her usual state, so The Deloach takes time to show up “the pool”

“The pool” is in a portion of the backyard I affectionately call the dog house. I call this portion of my mom’s backyard the dog house because this is where the dog house lives. The dog house is one of The Deloach’s better ideas in which he crafted a house where his dog with a ripped penis hole lives.

What sets this dog house apart from its mere counterparts is that this dog house is an actual child’s play house A house where an average man of average height can walk upright like God intended.

Of course the house is equipped with a flower box, for flowers silly, that have yet to be planted. The entire thing is a hideous orange yellow concoction that even a blind person could see.

I point this location out as a particularly good place for a 31,000 pool to The Deloach and Katrina who both seem to be distracted by The Deloach’s ripped pee hole dog who is trying to fuck my dog in the ass.

I don’t want to distract the reader from the true point of this story but let me tell you about this Deloach dog. It’s huge, like an ox, and had a ripped penis hole. I know I’ve already classically illustrated this through out my story, but come on a ripped dick hole, that’s intense. Just to give you a better idea of how awesome and uncool this is let me explain what happens when this dog gets a boner…his penis comes out the side of his shaft…yeah his pee hole is just there while an enormous ox boner is coming out the side. Is that fucking gross or what? Worse off this dog seems to be getting boners all the time so it’s a constant hide and seek of a penis slipping out a mysterious side hole. Just plain gross!


So the pool is a mess in its current state. I mean there is a hole and there is fun in the sun plastic siding laid in the ground but the rest of the place looks like shit. Dirt mounds full of cans and clothes and other assorted garbage litter the landscape.

I take notice and try asking the Deloach.

“Man, you should see the shit they took out of the ground.”

“Where did it come from?” I ask.

“It was there.” The Deloach points. “In the ground. They pulled god damn televisions out. They pulled fucking tv’s out of our ground. It was buried”!

“Crazy.”

And it is. It’s crazy that under the ground there were televisions buried. Not only that but The Deloach went on to explain that a microwave was found and several other oddities.

“What are they going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. I guess we could pick through it. I would hate to waist all that good dirt.”

“Yeah.” Katrina says trying to be a part of the conversation. It’s awesome how awkward my white trash family makes Katrina. She never knows what to say. It’s kind of cute in that way that awkwardness can be cute.

So here is the pool, surrounded by garbage and a penis hole dog house. This is what I’ve come to Copperas Cove to see.

Impressed?

The Devil

Green sauce is flowing at the old Mexican chain restaurant that is nestled in a cozy nook between Walmart and Wendy’s.

My mom eats like a kid. The table, her shirt, and my eating area are covered in the “green sauce” a particularly delicious blend of avocado and sauce.

These moments when my mom is slurping up green sauce is when she decides that it would be the perfect time talk about the devil.

Or better yet God if you’re into all that jazz.

My mom has been every religion under the sun including but not limited to my three favorite, Wiccan, Catholic, and Drug Addict.

“Jason do you believe in God yet?”

“No.” I say calmly.

This are my favorite fights by the way. Anything dealing with religion always turns out hilariously great.

“Why not!”

“Why do you?”

My mom sits puzzled.

“Don’t you want to go to heaven?”

“I don’t believe in heaven.”

“So what about when you die? You won’t see me.”

“That’s right mom because I’ll be decomposing.”

This process ensues.


Dinosaurs

The conversation about the devil and god continues until I ask a pertinent question to The Deloach who tells me that Adam and Eve created everything not monkeys, though The Deloach is more monkey than Adam.

“What about Dinosaurs mom?”

The table fell silent. The green sauce remains uneaten. My mom’s food is still disgusting as The Deloach formulates an answer.

“Well some people, I’ve heard, say that God put bones in the ground to challenge peoples faith in God.” Says the Deloach quite proudly.

The silence falls over the table again as my mom leans forward and makes big eyes at Katrina and me. Her big eyes say it all, “DID YA EVER THINK OF THAT!”

I was dumbfounded. How could the pussy I dropped from be that naive about the world? How could I even be functioning?

After a moment I just started laughing.

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

I knew people believed this but surely I thought my mom was better than some right wing retarded bible thumper. But then again my mom wouldn’t believe me when I told her popcorn came from actual corn.

The conversation continued until we began talking about how Christians believed that you should throw out the Old Testament. This part isn’t funny but brings up some interesting points.

First Christians, at least most, believe the Old Testament to be garbage or at least not to be as valuable as the New Testament. But this in itself is a contradiction, because the three staple facts of Christianity are in the Old Testament.

The Ten Commandments
The Part about being gay and it being a sin
Adam And Eve

Now I know some of you will say that its okay to use Genesis and that most of the stories are moral makers and not the actual word of God. I say bullshit! You can’t have your forgiving God and forget about the dick one….in the words of Montel Williams guest from around the world… “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

So get over yourself Christians. Did you ever think that maybe the person who wrote the creation story got it wrong? What if God used Apes to make us? What if God is damn dirty ape? what then Charlton Heston? What then?

I mean if we are supposed to realize that all the stories of monsters in the Old Testament are wrong why not everything else. Is it a far leap from talking snakes, fake dinosaur bones, and giant one eyed Cyclops’s destroying cities?

The answer my friend is no.

Science and religion can never co-exist because they are on two different access lines. It’s like latitude and longitude with these fuckers. And just like everyone who isn’t in the fourth grade they get confused between the two.

Later, much later, after sopapilla we are exiting Wal-Mart and my mom makes a comment about the garbage that was buried under the dirt.

I can’t help and whisper to Katrina.

“I wonder if God put it there to test our faith.”

On a side note Microsoft couldn’t understand the word Sopapilla but it did recognize Wal-Mart in the spell check. I guess all ends well that begets well.